Dear Musical theatre,

Today, I need to talk about a real fucking inspirational human being. It has taken me longer than I care to admit to comment on Lu's situation, because when my gremlins showed up this time, I listened to them for longer than I should have.

Hey, world. Been a while. Guess it's time for a post eh? Good thing cuz this is a loooong one.

I got into a pretty deep conversation a few nights ago with a couple boys in their mid-20s. To be completely honest, the fact that handsome young bucks were engaging in conversation for me without finding reasons to immediately run away was a marvel in and of itself, let me tell you. Not to mention the fact that our conversation was about deep shit.

I was really grateful for the opportunity to have such a frank conversation with cool kids… growing up, I certainly wasn't one myself (a cool kid that is... A shocking I know), and it's really only been in the past few years that I've started to come to appreciate men in their mid-20s for what they have to offer. I'm working on a blog about that right now but, suffice it to say, I'm getting way better at having real interactions with people without judging them for who they are.

We talked about a bunch of stuff… feminism, equalism, gay rights… and the words we use to slander others. In particular, the one word that we touched on was "faggot".





I can remember using this word once, as an insult. I was maybe 11 or 12, and I was bullied pretty hard that day by, um, let's call him Tony LaTelda. Tony was a terror in his own right and would often call me horrible names; but this one particular day, he was particularly mean. He hurt me so deeply… I wanted to hurt him back. I was not one to swear, though, and I didn't really watch many movies or read many books with insulting words so I had no idea how to insult. So when he called me a "Fat big Kahuna Dog" for the umpteenth time, I tried a new word I'd heard some boys say, and I screamed… "SHUT UP, YOU FAGGOT!"

He got quiet. A bunch of people got quiet. I don't exactly remember the sequence of events after that, or now long it took, until a teacher came over and said, "we don't say that word, that's a bad word", and I remember I got in trouble for using a word which meaning I did not know.

Now, upon reflection, I took a couple things away from this.

1) I totally understand how hate perpetrates hate. In that moment, I was so stung and shocked, all I could do was seek out the most hateful word I could think of so my pain would be distributed evenly. This could be elaborated upon in a future blog, most likely.

2) But more importantly: in that moment, I wasn't calling this kid a gay man and expecting him to be offended by it. I have an uncle who had lived with his husband for what must be 15 years now, Gay was always OK growing up, and I never heard any antagonism in my school or from immediate family towards homosexuality. Truth be told, I actually had no idea what this F-bomb meant... I guess I had just heard someone say it once at school or something and the other person had been offended or hurt or something... So it sounded insulting. At that point in this situation, all I wanted to do was insult Tony, what better way than this seemingly hurtful word?

I had an argument once in 2009 with a friend who identifies as a gay man, and he was saying using the words "gay" and "fag" and "queer" as a bad thing - even though they're desensitized - are terribly offensive. After all, the story goes that a "faggot" is really just a bundle of wood... That was used to burn people alive if they were thought to have engaged in homosexual activity. (WHAT!?)

At the time, I argued vehemently for being able to use these words now that "they're desensitized". "After all," I declared in my full 24-year-old sheltered Hetero white girl glory,"I may not BE gay, but I am an Ally, so I don't mean any harm by it!" AND, c'mon guys, these words are pretty fun to pronounce... I mean, really, how often do we get to say words that start with the letter "q"?

God bless this man for being so patient with me, in hindsight. His argument was that we may call these words "desensitized"... but are they?? As Macklemore so aptly put it: "A word rooted in hate." Which it is! As with the word "retarded" (slow in thinking), "lame" (limping/slow), "gipped/jipped" (how a gypsy would cheat you back in the day). Perhaps we have lost our origins... But does the use of these words in a derogatory manner not glorify their origins in some way?

"Heck no!" Said I, "When I say these words, I am not saying 'PEOPLE WHO IDENTIFY AS GAY ARE BAD,' I am saying, 'this word has lost its original meaning and now it just means bad in a silly way. I don't mean it hurtfully!"






I now see how this argument sucks, and I apologize to you, my friend from that convo 5 years ago, and anybody who has had to put up with these words in their lives. Let me share my reflections why:

1) it is still being used by people in its original intention of "GAY PEOPLE ARE BAD". As long as this happens, how on earth can we say this word has lost its meaning?!? It's not like we're using the word synonymously with "awesome" or "gorgeous" or "supaflyyyy". It's still used in a negative, deragatory manner?

2) Ok, and fine, assuming if - and a BIG "if" at that - the (let's assume) heterosexual person using this word does not even remotely associate this word with "GAY = BAD", (this jackass has lived under a rock, apparently), what about the homosexual (or otherwise) who has to hear this word in conversation? What about that person who WAS called these names in a hateful manner as a child, and had to bear the brunt of others' ignorance and malice?

Me, I was called "fat" a LOT as a child. There's more to be said about that; but for now, suffice it to say, I hear the word in ANY context, and I flinch. Sensory memory.

What if the word "fat" was actually a word we used in the same way?

I can only imagine... every time I would have to hear that I'm certain I would cringe. Just hearing that word in my head reminds me how I was led to believe I was bad for something I had no control over - and no idea of how to change. So, If that were the case? I would be on a CRUSADE to tell people to never use the word "fat" as a derogatory term again.

I don't self-identify as gay. I love me a good set of male washboard abs and I think vanilla male-female sex is the best. I don't even pretend to know what it's like to be criticized for the gender I'm attracted to… for generations, at that.

So who am I to say what offends those who do/have had all those things, and what doesn't?!?!? Shame on me for thinking I had a right to toss these words rooted in oppression, social ostracizing, and inhumane torture. And shame on all those Heteros who feel they can just drop some words and not feel responsible if they cause pain.









So when these super cute boys were arguing for unapologetically using this word in conversation as it has "lost its original meaning", I almost agreed with them. After all, we all learned that math equation in high school right? 1 uncool kid + 1 cool kids' table = 100% conforming.

But I took a sec to think, before delivering a (less eloquent and highly abbreviated) version of the above thoughts. I listened to their point of view, and shared what I thought. I'm not certain I convinced them, but I'm positive I made them think. Isn't that it's about!

Moral of the story: from now on, if you ever hear me say the word "gay" or "retarded", slap me across the face and call me a fat slut please.






Happy pride, everyone. Big hugs.

M

Ohhhh Haiiiii everyone!

Hope everyone's holidays have gone swimmingly. I won't pretend like mine weren't all over the place (maybe you read my previous blogs?) - but I WILL say that this rough spell is proving that I am stronger than I ever thought possible… as we all are. Mama Universe gives us just what we need! And I'm so grateful for the lesson.

A couple days ago, while snowboarding with my buddy Linds, I had some insights that I felt compelled to share. Maybe you can relate to them?

WHY SNOWBOARDING IS A METAPHOR FOR LIFE

1) The brain sure can make a mountain out of a molehill… self-talk will make or break your experience.
So I have this heights-thing. I can look at a hill that looks just fine one second, and then my brain will suddenly - out of nowhere - make it THE SCARIEST HILL EVER. Honestly, I had this one time earlier this season where I suddenly got stuck on a steep run after bailing and had to get down. And OH MY GOD was my brain not on board! I was certain - CERTAIN! - that if I moved an inch, I was going to tumble and die. I started to hyperventilate and give myself a minor panic attack.

In that moment, the only tool that I had available was self-talk. There was no one around me to coach me through it. All I had was I could say, "You can do this, you can do this, you can do this" over and over and over again. It was, for all intents and purposes - my mantra.

When in LIFE are we put in situations where we need to become our own cheerleaders to get us through a situation?

2) It's all about velocitization… Confidence is EVERYTHING.
Honestly, if you take away one bit of this blog… this is what I recommend. This big AH-HA! on the mountain was somewhat of a game changer, and kinda influenced the rest of my day.

Urban dictionary defines "Velocitization" as: The condition where frequently driving at high speeds affects your overall sense of speed. You become permanently velocitized.
4) You DO get better the more you do it!
This is the good news! That velocitization is staying with my body and mind, and every time I go up the mountain now, I feel myself get more and more comfortable with going faster and faster. I find myself taking more and more calculated risks… because I find them enjoyable, NOT because I feel like I "should" do them. And that's the difference, isn't it? Living life from FUN - not from other's expectations.

Like life… I find that I'm writing blogs, I'm starting to take more life and career-affirming action because I WANT TO, not because I need to prove stuff to anyone. Not anymore.

5) When things get scary, don't stop - keep going. It's easier… I promise.
Whew, this was a big one. There isn't a lot of snow on the mountains here in Van this season, so there's a bunch of ice hidden under man-made snow. When Linds and I approached a slightly steeper hill than we were prepared for, we noticed that it was essentially straight ice. Our first impulse was to full on pendulum down the hill… but this is a terrifying ordeal in itself (see #1).

And so, having all of these previous experiences under my belt, I tried a new approach - instead of stopping full-stop when I started to get scared, I acted "As If" … I decided to just barrel down the hill (again, with calculated risk… still felt somewhat in control of my body), and carve instead of flat out scraping down the hill.

And guess what?? IT WAS EASIER, GUYS!

That's right. Going with the flow - even when it's freakin' scary - was actually the answer. Who knew?!

4) Have your body Action-Ready for ANYTHING.
Keep your knees bent. Not only do the pros have to keep their knees bent as proper technique… I would argue that it's BECAUSE they have soft knees that they become pros! No matter what the landing of that jump, or conditions on the mountain, or size of the hill… curveballs can come at any time. So stay soft and open and you'll land more than you think.

7) You're gonna bail.
Kinda goes hand in hand with the previous one. So keep those knees bent.

5) Engage Your Core.
That shit's important.

8) Keep your eyes trained ahead on where you DO want to go, not directly in front staring at where you DON'T want to go.
You've all done this, right? Even if you don't snowboard… maybe you bike, or drive, and you're staring at the pothole that you know you shouldn't drive into… and 10 seconds later, there you are, driving into it. Or if you're riding, that one jerk who's fallen in front of you, you're caught up staring at them… and barrel straight into them?

It's so hard to train our brains to move from what we DON'T want to what we DO want… but doesn't it make all the difference in the world?

10) You may go up with friends, but you ride alone.
This one was a biggie for me. All that self-talk, all that inner game on the mountain… these are all MY musings. Sure, I have some company going up the lift, and standing in line, and sure Linds was there to appreciate the comedy as I rode straight into a rail (seriously it was ridiculous)… but at the end of the day, her experience that day was her experience, and mine was my own. Maybe that could be construed as a lonely part of life… but I don't think so. I think it's pretty magical, actually.

Well, there you have my musings over the past couple days. Comment, share and/or post if you feel so inclined… but mostly, keep living the dream, lovers. You got this.

With all love,
Meg